Thursday, April 21, 2011

premature wrinkling

Beyond the third baseline a line of amber traces the setting horizon.  Gen X mothers unwind from the fraught tension of watching their little leaguers, descending into prattle on the most recent sale at Talbot's or Nieman Marcus.  A precocious toddler fidgets with a pack of Virginia Slims.  And adjacent a near chainlink fence a well-coiffed gentleman in his mid-30s, in skinny jeans and a sportjacket, waits patiently for his 4th grade slugger to retire from the visiting team's dugout.  His son moves with the easy rhythm of a natural baseball player.  A calm torque, a lazy finesse.  Today's game was as good as any other.  An opposite field triple; a "good eye" at the plate, earning a walk after behind in the count.  Not to mention a line drive he snagged at 2nd base, indeed almost doubling up an ambitious baserunner.  Yes, today's was a swell game.

And so our fashionable father offered a ready hand parallel at his thigh, in excellent position to recieve a "low-five" from an excited youth athlete.

But alas, the father was left hanging.  A curious pause.  Always the thoughtful dad, he surfaced the full arc of possibilities "is a low-five not urban enough, should I have provided dap?" "is he teething and/or entering an angsty pubescent stage?" "is he still unhappy with his 1st inning strikeout?"

In time the young ballplayer responded, "Dad, I appreciate the gesture.  But I just applied a base coat of Dove hand lotion and I need to let it set.  I'm comfortable in my skin and don't want to suffer from premature wrinkling."

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

fop next door (Chhhris)

Welcome readers to another session of Fop Next Door.  We at Fop or Dandy are always looking to meet fellow fancybois - please recommend to us any fop (or dandy) friends !!  Today we met in the 4D spacetime of the interweb with a favorite pal and local fop celebre, Chhhris.

Hi Chhhris!

Welcome to F or D!  It is quite an honor to host a native New Yorker fancyboi. 

Tell me, what separates Manhattan fancy from the rest of the US?  Delivery. 

Do you view the rest of America as poseur or as kin fop brothers sharing your dream of a fancy communion?  The rest of America is watching TV while we're watching fancy.

Were you born fancy or was it an evolution into fancy?  Revolution.

What are 3 "must-haves" that any fop should have in their wardrobe?  Kit, tony, and burled walnut.

If fop was a rap song what song would it be and why?  "Ivory Toast & Gold" by the Burled Walnut.

What are your playoff predictions for the Knicks?  Yes!

In 5 words predict Summer 2011.  1) Summershine, 2) summertime, 3) summercity, 4) Coney Island hot dogs and Bud Light Lime, 5) minimum SPF 30, 6) Peaches.

OK Think Fast!!
Ceiling fans:  F or D? F
The Kareem Abdul-Jabbar "sky hook" shot? D
Sporks? A
Bear Grylls? Please advise.
Hello Kitty? C
Kettle chips? D

Thanks Chhhris!  Also check out his rap track below, produced by none other than fop icon and fashion muse for we gentlemen-authors, Mr. Darwin Deez!  It's sure to be a summer jam skeeyurpppp

Monday, April 18, 2011

me and the guys at the grocery store who may or may not be fop

Me and the guy mouthing the words to Queen Latifah's "U-N-I-T-Y" while shopping for produce.

Me and the guy wearing a bolo tie in aisle 4 asking a female inventory clerk where the promise rings are located.

Me and the guy I mentor in an after-school program buying Flintstones vitamins and telling a woman in flats and a modish one-piece that I'm his non-biological "Uncle Carl" and love children, dogs, my 401K and would like to buy her lunch at The Cheesecake Factory.

Me and the guy in frozen foods playing "Marco Polo" with the store manager over walkie-talkie.

Me and the guy in a Tommy Hilfiger shirt practicing his golf swing while waiting in the express checkout line.

DJ Pauly D

This cut of fancy may not run the mama's boy game of Vinny but can still clean grenade shrapnel quicker than a Red Cross wet nurse.   When not chlorinating ur girl's jacuzzi he is getting his hair did.  A Providence native, it is rumored the spraypainted fescue sod on top of his forehead was the creation of a local RISD art student recovering from a ketamine trip.  Still we at F or D give Pauly props for owning the look and perhaps even giving it an endearing charm.  Indeed he pulled off the seemingly impossible task of making New Jersey fop!!  Few would associate the garden state with the scent of couture.  For more people this state is redolent of industrial sewage, toll roads, baby tees, Britney Spears' follow-up single "Sometimes" from her ...Baby One More Time LP, Taco Bell Beef Meximelts, pronouncing Target (TM) retail department stores with an affected French accent, the re-branding of the Bravo cable network, going to Taco Bell and asking for tap water and then pouring lemon-lime soft drink into your cup at the fountain machine, diner food, jean shorts and/or jorts, blowing into og NES Nintendo cartridges when the graphics are distorted, eating clubs, drinking cough syrup and waiting a half hour after lunch to settle ur stomach before lounging in ur MTV summer share hot tub.  Yes, Pauly D deserves our compliments and gratitude.  You can't spell gentleman without GTL we congratulate u sir may u feel like $100 on this special day.

Final verdict:  1 1/2 star fop

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Fop Next Door (Zeke)

 Hi readers!  Welcome to our new feature Fop Next Door in which we profile real-life fops.  For our inaugural entry we were lucky enough to interview Zeke, an inspirational and close friend of we gentleman-authors.  We hope you find his blue skies attitude and genuine fancy to be as contagious as we do!

Hi Zeke!  Thank you for visiting us at F or D!  Maybe you could describe your usual weekday.
Sure. I don't like to get out of bed before 10 am, I eat as much fruit and ice cream as I can and I like to exercise every day. The best is when I can swim outdoors or go dancing.

Very Wunderbar.  How important do you think it is for a young fancyboi to develop their own personal style?
Some people think style is a luxury, but I think it's inevitable. You're going to have to wear pants and shoes most days, so which ones do you choose? Even more important, most days you're going to have to talk to other people. That's the most definitive style. Are you kind to them? Do you value your own time and theirs? People will probably see that before they see your shoes.

How does fop affect your interpersonal relationships?  Are most of your friends fancy?  Do you make non-fancy friends because they're non-fancy or inspite of it?
It's hard to help liking good-looking people. But I also think that your personality makes you good-looking or not. Your face and body grow into the expressions and movements you make with them. My good friend Sam taught me that.

Can you list some fop role models?
Howard Roark, Adrien Brody, John Lennon, Prince Andrei Bolkonsky

As you know Zeke I'm been pleased to witness your delightful transition from a Himalayan Long-Hair to an Abyssinian Short-Hair fop.  How relevant is hair-length to fancyness?
Long hair is like neon shirts - some people can totally wear that, and it's easy to tell who they are.

 What are your impressions of dandies?  Do you welcome all fancybois or could you do without the so-called "dandy invasion"?
Style is how you are, and that's inseparable from who you are. So dandy is like when you paint your sailboat before making sure it's seaworthy. A real fop would rather have a natural wooden sailboat that's made from the best hardware.

OK think fast!
Oakley Sunglasses - Fop or Dandy? Dandy
Cuff links? Fop
Ribbed condoms? Dandy
JFK Jr? Fop, but close.
Cocoa butter SPF 15? Dandy
Cafe au lait? Dandy, but try me.
John Boehner? I hate that dude, but fop.

Barbara Walters

O to be a lady fop.  The meditative ritual of one's morning ablutions, of setting one's curling iron of putting on a delicate singsong sundress one leg at a time how wunderbar it must be to read DH Lawrence as a young debutante knowing that those feelings u own are somehow both special and universal. 

Sure the word fop may not be a traditional lexicon for a lady.  But then again if Ini Kamoze's 90s hit "Here Comes the Hotstepper" is a construct, eating Pizza Hut stuffed crust while watching 7th Heaven or fibbing to ur friends about how u dont wear orthodontic headgear at night is a construct then i dont see why calling Barbara Walters a lady cant be a construct also.  I mean after all she did attend Sarah Lawrence.  O to attend a mixer with West Point gentlemen to refine one's political acumen yes BabaWawa u and ur liberal fancy have been a living document of our modern historical narrative.  What kind of pillow talk she's been privy to if those linens could talk I'd maybe have enough gossip to match Perez Hilton's daily caloric intake or create a late-nite PBS documentary special capable of keeping the rapt attention of pre-teen males hoping for a scent of nipple teach me Miss Walters teach me ur elegant touch.

Final Verdict:  2 star lady fop